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When Your Ex Moves On

30 Sep

There’s really no way to predict when this is going to happen. All you know is that it will. You tell yourself that you’ll be prepared. It’s not actually going to hurt that much, right? It’s been so long; you’re completely over it! In fact, you’ve managed to actually be friends, even if there is still some weird sexual tension between the two of you. You don’t ever think that it’s going to feel like breaking up part two. You think, “I’ll be ready for it when it eventually happens”. Because “eventually” is so far away and time heals all. That’s what you tell yourself.

But you forget that breaking up is one of the most awkward things we have to deal with as emotional beings. You pick another human that you click with and push through the slightly awkward phase of discovering who that person really is. You go from sweating bullets as you try to think up more conversation starters over dinner to talking nonstop over a pint of ice cream in front of a movie on a Tuesday night together. You laugh together about that awkward yet awesome night when you first really talked to each other and ended up talking all night. You laugh about how his roommate was so welcoming to you the next morning and made breakfast as you subtly tried to hint that you honestly just fell asleep last night. You laugh because you could never picture it being that awkward between you two ever again. You’ve made it so far and you know everything about one another. It’s hard to remember what it was like when you didn’t know what to say around him.

Then it happens. You have no idea what to say as you’re at the same party as him and he suddenly disappears. You brush it off. He’s probably just getting some air outside. Then you notice some freshman on the same sports club as the two of you is also missing. But that’s just a coincidence. There’s no way he’s talking and making out with some new club member in his room at a party at his house just like the night the two of you first talked. There’s no way.

You go out to get some air and the tears just start pouring. Why are you so upset? You’ve been broken up for months. You’ve managed to build a friendship. You should be happy for them, right? But all you can think about is how this girl is acting out a story from your past and she doesn’t even know it. But you do. And everything that was sacred and special and a memory only the two of you shared, is no longer any of that. So you put on a brave face and make the stupid decision of going to his room because your keys are there and you need to leave ASAP. She’s on his bed and he’s holding the door slightly open, looking guilty. And you realize that this is breaking up part two. The part where someone else comes into the picture. The part where one of you moves on before the other. You just hoped, selfishly, that it would be you to move on first. Or you hoped, at least, that you wouldn’t be there when it happened. But you are and it did and after a night and a day of crying, you take a shaky sigh of exhaustion and relief and let yourself close another chapter in your life.

Why Do I Have a Car?

12 Jul

When I was fifteen, I used to walk ALL over my town. I never asked for a ride or thought twice about it. I remember the day my parents finally let me walk to a friend’s house by myself and it felt like I was just given this whole new gift of freedom. Honest to god, I think I felt freer the day I was allowed to walk places than the day I got my license. Keep in mind, my mom thought that every other person outside was a potential kidnapper and I was forbidden from walking to school by myself until I was in HIGH SCHOOL. Let’s give that a second to soak in….

So the summer before my freshman year in high school, my three best friends and I walked until we couldn’t feel our feet anymore. And it sounds stupid now, but we were never bored. If we wanted to hang out at a friend’s house or the park, it would take us 20-30 minutes just to walk there. And that was the norm for us. Always outside, always walking. I hadn’t really thought much about those times since friend groups have switched around and we’ve all had cars and licenses for years now. But tonight I was over a friend’s house and after reaching my limit of how much I could listen to them talk about a video game, one of my friends and I decided to walk to get food. The convenience store was right down the street but of course it was closed. So we walked to the next closest one and it was closed. Then we decided to go to the one that I’m pretty sure is run by the same guy 24/7 and it wasn’t until it took us 20 minutes to walk there that I realized the geography of my town is in absolute disarray in my head. Has it really been that long since I’ve walked anywhere in the town? It sort of reiterated the whole laziness battle I’ve been having with myself and I really started to miss the days of walking around my town, barefoot, with my friends in the middle of the night.

I actually wrote a song sort of based on this feeling about a year ago. Here’s the video I put up on YouTube. Not my best stuff but it relates. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6cSj9wOP0o

Strangers and People

11 Jul

Today, I walked out of the grocery store and there was a man sitting by a little table asking people to donate for something. He was probably in his 50’s, full beard, and just looked so humble and sweet and yet I walked right past him with my sister and didn’t even catch what he was collecting money for. People are always outside this grocery store asking for donations to anything and everything and I always walk by, pretending to be fixated on something in the parking lot. This is because the second I make eye contact, I feel so guilty for walking right by them that it stays with me. I ended up going back to the same grocery store late tonight for a quick cookie dough run with my friend and the man was still there. This time he looked completely defeated and my heart broke….but I still walked right by him when I left. I stood by my car for a second, debating on turning around and throwing him everything in my wallet because he just looked so sad…but I didn’t. And now I’m sitting here kind of mad at myself for being like everyone else that just keeps on walking. I wonder if anyone else feels guilty or do people honestly not care? It makes me sad that this man probably barely even made eye contact with people today and maybe he’s at home telling his wife that he didn’t have any luck and people acted like he was invisible. After working in a restaurant for a few months, I’d learned that (for the most part) we don’t really treat strangers like real people. I’ll get frustrated at guests and guests will get frustrated at me and we forget that there’s a whole other life we live outside this moment. So in that moment of walking by a kind faced man asking for a small donation, we think of him as only that…and not as a person. It’s getting late and I’m sure this is turning into a bunch of philosophical hoopla….I guess I just wish I turned around and gave that man the time of day like any real person deserves. 

The Circle of Laziness

10 Jul

I always find myself the most inspired when I’m dead tired and about three seconds from giving up on getting off the couch and going to my own bed. It’s usually around 1 am when I get a song lyric I wanna turn into a whole song or a thought I want to ambitiously turn into an entire novel. Yet when it comes to actually completing these goals, I convince myself that I’ll do it in the morning when I have more time and I’m not this tired. But every morning I wake up, desperate for coffee, and oblivious to my major life changing plans from the night before.It’s the curse of being a procrastinator. And until there is a cure, the lazy side and ambitious side of me will fight forever.

I was listening to Anna Sun by Walk the Moon today on repeat while driving to and from work and all I could think about was wanting to write a song like that. Or live a life like that. “We rattled this town. We rattled this scene”. It makes me think of being a reckless teenager and living in a constant summer and I thought, there has to be a way to live like that. To do what you want, be reckless, worry-free, and travel anywhere and everywhere. The idea of going to school for the next two years, graduating, getting a full time job, getting my own place, settling down, living only for the weekends, eventually having kids, etc. is NAUSEATING. The job part is what freaks me out the most. Maybe it’s the laziness coming back into effect here but it’s also the idea that I have no clue what I want my career to be so for now, all I can picture is working a job I hate to pay bills and never have any free time for myself. Why is the idea of road tripping forever and just going wherever you feel like going so impossible. It’s a fantasy. But why?? Why does it have to be like that? You go to school for basically 2 decades so you can get a job to pay for bills and be an adult and get married and have kids and pay for them and then you die. Obviously, it’s a lot more complicated than all that, but that’s basically how I’ve interpreted it all. I wish I was more like everyone else I’ve met at school. I wish I wanted to be a nurse or a lawyer or a teacher. I wish the idea of finding a career and working till I’m old and wrinkly was the only option I’d ever seen. Instead, I have this crazy idea that there has GOT to be an alternative. There has to be another way to do things. Maybe I’m in the wrong decade. I’m starting to feel like a full blown hippie. But is it that crazy to desperately want a life completely devoid of what’s expected of us? Image

Get Up and Gooooo

8 Jul

This morning I woke up to find I had conjunctivitis. Awesome. Even better was that I had to be at work in a few hours and they don’t take calling in sick too well. So I called in, explained the situation and listened to my manager fuss about needing me to “really make an effort here” to get my shift covered. I’m sorry, but it’s not like I’m dealing with a stomachache I could probably suck up, it’s conjunctivitis and I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be working in a restaurant with that shit. Luckily I got my shift covered but now I have to give up one of my days off to cover the guy that’s covering me today. And it was at that moment that I realized I fucking hate being an adult. Besides the manager, I love the people who work at my job but just having a job in general, not being able to go outside to the beach when it’s sunny, barely making it through a series of double shifts just to get a day or two off is absolutely killing me. It’s so draining and discouraging to think that now instead of having Wednesday and Thursday off, I just have Wednesday. It’s amazing how much that extra day makes all the difference. It’s great to have money and all but the idea of doing this for the next two months, wasting summer away, and then moving back to Western Mass to go back to school is sickening. 

 

After coming back from the Firefly Music Festival and camping outside, listening to music, and not checking my phone for 5 days straight, I’m having a hard time adjusting back to life at home. And it’s been two freaking weeks since I’ve been back. The whole experience has created this overwhelming urge to be outdoors, in the sun, and traveling. The travel bug is real and I’ve definitely been bit by it. So now I’m left trying to come up with some sort of life plan that lets me do all that and still have money for, ya know, food and shelter. All I know right now is that working 35 hours a week at a restaurant dealing with assholes all day, the summer before my junior year in college, is slowly killing me.

 

 

          On our way to Firefly. I’d give anything to go back.

 

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Secrets

5 Jul

I’ve been recently thinking about the movie/book The Secret and how if you supposedly send out positive energy into the universe, positive things come your way. That’s a nice thought to think about except it apparently works the other way as well. If you give off negative energy, negative things happen. Which is sort of discouraging since I feel like that then puts you in a never ending circle of bad karma. Nothing says “be happy!” like the pressure of the universe waiting to put bad shit in your life. But lately I feel like all I’ve been is negative. Maybe it’s because I’m at this weird in between stage in my life where I want to travel everywhere but I don’t want to work. And I want to get out and live on my own but I don’t wanna leave my family. And I want to meet someone I actually have a connection with but I don’t want to settle down. I barely know what I want and I don’t know how to accomplish the things I’m positive about. Maybe I need to start meditating or something, channel some of the positive energy everyone keeps raving about as if it’s something that’s actually tangible. It’s a relief to look at “The Secret” as a bunch of bull when I feel negative but it’s a nice thought to think I could get this positive ball rolling if I could just get out of this rut. I really need to figure out how to change things up before I lose it.